It’s our 2 year anniversary of my miscarriage. I wanted to get a little vulnerable and share my story and let you know if you have experienced the same, you are not alone.

Andy and I had been married for about 5 months, we had been trying to have a baby since the beginning of our marriage.

We both had good jobs and we were ready to continue growing our family. I found out that I was pregnant at the beginning of October, I didn’t have some fancy way to announce the pregnancy to Andy. He was right there with me when I took the test, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

We were so happy and so scared at the same time. We had discussed whether we would tell anyone, we had a 7 year old (at the time) and we also wanted to tell our family.

We facetimed Andy’s parents and told my parents in person. Everyone was so happy for us. Brayden was super excited as well.

I scheduled my doctors appointment for the next week. Andy was able to get off work and go with me.

At that appointment, I took a regular old pregnancy test. I had taken a dozen at home prior just to make sure the other 11 were right. The nurse asked, “You had a positive test at home?” My heart sank.

“Yes.” “I took about a dozen tests” “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s fine. You’re really early still to show much of a positive.”

I mean, I always thought a positive was a positive. I knew that you could have a false negative, but having a false positive wasn’t too likely.

I talked to the doctor, she reassured me that everything was fine and she wasn’t worried at all. We completed the routine blood work and left.

After we got home we decided to go ahead and tell our Facebook friends. (Because those people are your true friends right?)(Insert eye roll here.)

So we did. We put that post out there. Looking back, I can understand why. We were excited and this was a good thing and we wanted everyone else to share in our joy. Little did we know they would all be sharing in our loss as well.

2 days later, It was about 7pm, Andy was at work. I went to the bathroom to discover that I was bleeding. A lot.

My heart sank. So many emotions came over me. I was so mad, and so sad. Why did God let me get pregnant just to take this baby from me just 7 weeks later?

I tried to call Andy, he was stuck at work. He wasn’t able to leave. I cleaned myself up off of the bathroom floor, cleaned up the blood and tears and went to bed.

My mom called me shortly after, Brayden had been at her house. I told her over the phone that I thought I was having a miscarriage. She came right over, my mother in law came over. I refused to let anyone in my house.

Looking back now, that was a little rude of me. They all understood. But I just wanted my husband and that was it. Well…that and my baby.

Andy begged me to go to the Emergency Room. I refused. I knew that I was losing the baby. I knew that there wasn’t anything that could be done. I am a nurse, I’ve worked in the ER. I knew the process. I would get an unnecessary pelvic exam and he would say, “I’m sorry, you are having a miscarriage and there’s nothing we can do.”

I called my OB/GYN the next morning and got an appointment for that afternoon. I had an ultrasound and we proceeded to wait for 3 hours to see the doctor, not even my doctor but an on call doctor. She told me that I was having a miscarriage and recommended that I “let nature take its course” and miscarry the baby naturally.

So that’s what we did. I waited for my body to miscarry my baby. My baby that we already loved so much. That had a big brother so excited to meet him/her.

There were so many emotions that I was trying to process.

I felt mad- at myself, what did I do wrong?

I was mad at God.

I was sad.

I was confused.

I felt guilty for grieving.

And that’s okay. I felt all of those emotions and so many more within the next few weeks.

If you have experienced any kind of child loss I want you to know a few things.

It is okay to cry and scream.

It’s okay to be mad and angry.

It’s okay to accept people with open arms or to not accept people.

You do whatever it is that you need to grieve.

Talk to a therapist, talk to your partner, talk to a friend, talk to God.

I promise it will get a little easier every day.

You’ll have days when it’s hard. It’s been 2 years and some days I still question things and think about that baby. Some days I still cry for that baby.

I don’t know why I lost the baby. I will never know. But I do have faith that our baby is being held and rocked daily by my 2 sweet grandmothers in heaven.

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