I had just found out that I was pregnant with twins. I knew NO ONE who had twins. With so many questions and overwhelming feelings and thoughts, I took to Facebook. I searched for some sort of a mommy group and boy did I find one.
It was an amazing group. It was a small group of around 100 women so we had great relationships with one another. I immediately made so many friends. I walked through my pregnancy with this group of women. We were all due between June and August so we could relate to one another so well. This group was unlike any other mommy group I’ve ever been in. Everyone was supportive and kind, no matter your religion, parenting style, etc. There were no petty arguments, I was seriously shocked at how “grown -up” everyone acted.
I ran to that group when I didn’t feel like I had my real life friends to run to. I was able to vent there about things that I didn’t want to share with anyone in my everyday life. We went through so much together.
But one day I decided that it was in my best interest to leave.
Elijah and Isaac were premature and one disadvantage of being premature is that they are somewhat delayed in their milestones. So a full term baby may be getting teeth at 6 months mine didn’t get theirs until almost a year old. Pretty much every milestone that they’ve hit has been somewhat delayed. Andy and I realize that. We’re okay with that. And then I get on Facebook and I see a twin mommy whose premature twins were walking on time and was crawling on time. I start to question so much, Are mine really that delayed? Is there something wrong with them? On top of everything else that I was dealing with, I was also comparing my babies to all of those other babies.
I was somewhat okay with my postpartum body, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I wasn’t overjoyed about the large amount of excess skin that hangs off of my belly. But hey, I carried TWO babies, so whatever. That was until my fellow twin mommies started talking about scheduling appointments with their plastic surgeons to get their tummy tuck. I started comparing myself to them. Every. Single. Day.
If you knew me in my everyday life, you would know that’s not me at all. I noticed that I was more self-conscious of my body around my husband. I found my self saying, I’m sorry that I look this way and that we can’t afford a tummy tuck. To which he would reply “I wouldn’t want you to get one If we could, you carried our babies and I love you the way that you are.” (He’s a good man.)
Everyone else was buying a new mini-van and ours was used. Everyone else had a large house with 2 living rooms, at least 4 bedrooms and a playroom. We live in less than 1000 square feet with 5 people. The twins sleep in our bedroom in their cribs. And well a playroom, yeah that’s our living room. The life that I was once 100% content with, I no longer was. I thought that I needed more.
Thankfully, I was able to snap myself out of it and leave the group and guess what? My babies walked when they walked. We’re perfectly happy in our small home. My mini-van, while used, is a reliable way for me to get to the grocery, just like your new one is. I don’t need plastic surgery. My kids don’t care if my whole midsection is covered with stretch marks.
If you’re in a “mommy group” I want you to ask yourself these 3 questions:
Is this group helping me to grow as a mother?
Is this group that you’re a part of making you a better person, is it helping you or hurting you? Really think about your answer to this one. With me comparing my kids, that wasn’t helping me grow as a mother.
Are you comparing yourself or your kids to everyone else?
If you are, just stop. That’s not your life. Focus on you and your kids. Look around and ground yourself again.
Is this beneficial at all?
This was a hard one for me. I felt like I needed that group. I told myself, what if I need a suggestion for a product or I need some advice. Then logical Kendall stepped in and said, Research it yourself. Read someone’s blog, Look on Pinterest, Google it. That’s when I realized that this group was no longer beneficial to me. It was no longer bringing me joy, but sucking the joy out of my life.
If you’re in a mommy group and it’s not bringing you joy or helping you be a better person. Leave. If you’re having a hard time leaving then start by taking it off of your news feed, that way you’re not constantly looking at it. You only need things in your life that build you up, not break you down.
I also want to add, there is no judgment here. If you have that life and are able to have plastic surgery, you own it. Flaunt that new body. If you have a new car, that’s fine. You do you. The point with my blog is just to encourage you that if something in your life doesn’t grow you or make you a better you, then leave it.
I want to know: Are you in a mommy group, if so how does it make you feel?